Friday, 14 March 2014

My hurt inside.

I stoop my head for the hurt that nags at me!
From the moment I opened my eyes- no that wont be as intense as I know the depth. From where I could remember the color has been black, or grey and white... I wondered if this was what others see too.

I have heard many of my friends say they are depressed and are hurt like me, the moment I hear that I wonder if they are going through the situation of encircling visions and gum bursting dreams of affliction. They seems to be seeping pain through poetry with words of wonder. I search through their depths and find the sorrow, but my words doesn't even gain that strength to throw some light for the hurt. I try to imitate others and when I fail I realize I'm not them, so I write in my own perspective and hear, it was not so good. I don't mean to intensify the critics that hurt me, but my own feeling cutting deep scars even when I say, "Honest critics are appreciated". Again, am not complaining about the words, but the feeling I go through when I know that I have failed again.

Life always helped me to find moments of embarrassment and failure. When I look back to find the flashbacks, I see the one where I have failed or moreover, when I am laughed at. I roll my tongue to bite the end, slap my head and blink my eyes. I smile at myself for those memories but with tears prickling my eye-lids and I not allowing them to fall down to tranquility. I tie them back with my eyelashes and I fake a smile. I wrote this feeling in my poem "I Smiled"........ Poetically speaking it is not raw, but it is from my raw heart.

I question faith but what has faith got to do when all that matters is from the God, who summoned us. No use of questioning him as he own the right and we only need to follow. When we are not following him, he punishes us. Everyone will be having different notion to say about what I said right now, but this is what I believe. And I trust my experience. And, this doesn't mean I am not gonna listen what others have to say. So, I let them be as it is.

All that is left if the thing called HOPE, or is it an emotion. I'm not sure, but that is the only element that throw some light against the obscure curls of faith....But, like I read somewhere, "hopes die last"